Chamberlain Guides Files Patent for ASCII character Ampersand (&)
API - Today Chamberlain Guides International filed a patent with the US Patent office for the ownership and sole rights to the ASCII character Ampersand (&). Chamberlain Guide claims to have invented the charcter in the 14 century as part of cleric tunic embrodry, later used in common speech. If successfull, this will be the first ASCII character that may be constrained by licensing requirements. CGI shares rose in after hours trading on the annoucement from CEO Raymond Mattos.
CGI Hosts Free Beef Seminar
I am nothing more than bloody bones - more like hamburger with blood - all fouled up and rotten. Smashed and putrid, laying in wet cardboard boxes surrounded by trash and the smell of death. Greased and hideous, pustulent and viral, oozing forth with yellow matter - oh god and the stench - the stink - such that the mind goes limp and the eyes roll back. Brain falls into blackness. Swollen meat pulsates with pain and shards of glass and red hot embers infiltrate the softest parts sending searing pain from the irritated nerve endings up the broken spine to the base of the brain. Night filled with screaming anguish.
Pain - my only friend - do not leave me now as I descend through the most heinous and hideous layers of unforgiving, scorching sleep. Awakened by amber liquid involuntarily gushing from my mouth, I see that I have been blinded in one eye - caught on a nail as I slumbered through vomit-filled trembling nightmares. Cold hard pavement and glass are my pillow now.
Rain comes and washes filth from the skin into open wounds and sores. Back to the panic, now turned hopeless again. Moving on broken and infectious feet across a narrow street and channel of water. Falling into sewer mud and drinking in liquid waste and excrement, near drowned. On the other side, a boot in the head sends us reeling back into the sewer, near the pipe hole.
Scrambling up the pipe now avoiding sight, clinging to the sides as blood flows from most places. Crash and again up. Finally, a break in the blackness. Light beams through holes in a street cover and illuminates a dry place. Old, rotten grass has dried and makes a less-than-sweet but most comfortable bed.
Suddently a rat emerges and dies within reach. An old sewer rat and the end of life, becomes food for my aching stomach. Sleep fineds me fast after a meal and I rejoice in the warmth of the rotten grass. Blood flow slows to a trickle. For the first time in a month, I am at ease.
- Claude Ramses LePlet
Pain - my only friend - do not leave me now as I descend through the most heinous and hideous layers of unforgiving, scorching sleep. Awakened by amber liquid involuntarily gushing from my mouth, I see that I have been blinded in one eye - caught on a nail as I slumbered through vomit-filled trembling nightmares. Cold hard pavement and glass are my pillow now.
Rain comes and washes filth from the skin into open wounds and sores. Back to the panic, now turned hopeless again. Moving on broken and infectious feet across a narrow street and channel of water. Falling into sewer mud and drinking in liquid waste and excrement, near drowned. On the other side, a boot in the head sends us reeling back into the sewer, near the pipe hole.
Scrambling up the pipe now avoiding sight, clinging to the sides as blood flows from most places. Crash and again up. Finally, a break in the blackness. Light beams through holes in a street cover and illuminates a dry place. Old, rotten grass has dried and makes a less-than-sweet but most comfortable bed.
Suddently a rat emerges and dies within reach. An old sewer rat and the end of life, becomes food for my aching stomach. Sleep fineds me fast after a meal and I rejoice in the warmth of the rotten grass. Blood flow slows to a trickle. For the first time in a month, I am at ease.
- Claude Ramses LePlet
Palm Tree Goes to Harvard
API - A super-intelligent palm tree has been granted a four year, full academic scholarship to the Harvard School of Business. The tree, a 47 foot date palm will be transplanted into a mobile planter in August in preparation for transportation to the Harvard campus from its native home in the Philippines. This palm is the first recipient of the newly created Flora Scholarship program which Harvard hopes will attract and inspire the brightest minds in the Plant Kingdom.
Chamberlain Guides introduces the All Cigarette Diet
CGI News - Chamberlain Guides announced today that it will introduce the All Ciggarette Diet Book for Youngsters and Old Folks. The annoucement was made at the International Ciggarette Exchange Commision meeting in Luxembourg this week by VP of Marketing for International Tobacco and Firre Arm products, Mills Gravner-Querm. Chamberlain Guides believes this new guide series will eclipse sales of the previous diet series the Tornoquit Diet, which sold in excess of 2 million copies world wide.
ElvisCorp Ltd. to Purchase Kraft Foods Brand
ElvisCorp Limited, the giant Memphis, TN. based conglomerate, is expanding its product line by tendering a successful offer to aquire Kraft Foods and all its brand names, including the world famous Macaroni & Cheese dinner loved the world over by youth and those with soft teeth. ElvisCorp will leverage the Elvis name and use the wildly successful marketing campaign of integrating other Elvis products and memorabilia to create a refreshing new take on an old favorite. “We are adding Elvis brand vitamins and a new suite of cheese-style toys to the Macaroni products to create new value for old consumers” says Sog Wilsona, Director of Interationalization for ElvisCorp Ltd.